
I’m a big celebrity whore.
Well actually, I’m an actor whore. Comes out of my thwarted dreams for becoming the new Patti LuPone on Broadway. Or Idina Menzel. She has a better ass.
I was actually a theatre major for a few weeks in college (oo, spelled ‘re’. I lived in London dontchaknow. By the way, in 6th grade we had a school-wide spelling bee. I studied like crazy and my parents came. My first word came up and I smoothed my little skirt and walked up on stage. My first word was theater. And since I’ve always been a pretentious ass - I’ve been crossing my 7s and Zs since I was a baby - I of course spelled it the European way, because I apparently hadn’t studied as well as I claimed. I was the only one who failed out on their first word. But I’m over it. No bitterness at all. Completely over it).
I say a theatre major for a few weeks in college because I found out I have no talent. Same with music. I was a music major for about three weeks. My piano professor told me I wasn’t at ‘concert level’. Bastard. I should have known though. I quit piano when I was eight. Wait, no! I didn’t quit. My piano teacher asked me not to come back. I swear! And I blame it all on Scooby Doo.
I’m not making this up.
Scooby Doo ruined my music career.
Because, if anyone remembers watching Scooby Doo with the fervent religious zeal that I did, you will know that back then they used to have weekly two-part specials. They’d have cartoon versions of celebrities - Mama Cass, Don Knotts, the Harlem Globetrotters - and the story line would be dragged out into two episodes.
My piano lessons were on Wednesdays. The day that Part Two always came on.
To this day I never knew what happened to the Addams Family.
Anyway, I was so bummed out about this that one day my piano teacher phoned my mother and said that I was lacking enthusiasm and should probably move on.
Much later my family told me that although she said this was the reason for dumping me, they believe it was actually political, as she was a part of my parents’ board of directors or some such thing.
Board of Directors = 0
My Regained Self Esteem = 10
What was my point?
Oh yes. That I have a stalker-like obsession with those people who actually have the talent enough to be actors and musicians.
So you can imagine when I meet an actual celebrity.
I’ve seen two celebrities on our island in fact.
(Previously, my only celebrity sightings were this guy, a guy from Fast Times at Ridgemont High - which I will not name because it was in a gay bar - and Janeane Garofalo, who I sat next to for an entire evening but didn’t know it because I was really really drunk).
The most recent one was last November in Costco of all places. We were walking in the cheese section and our friend yelled out ‘there’s that James Bond guy!!’
It was Pierce Brosnan.
And yes straight women/gay men, he’s just as attractive in person. He was wearing a willowy white cotton shirt and had short hair. He also had his rather mousy wife in tow (although she’s probably a very nice person).
Because he’s done many wonderful things on the island here, like build playgrounds for kids, and he’s a champion for gay rights, we like him a lot.
So as we were passing him Maman said ‘keep doing the good work!!!’.
PERFECT way to engage an easily annoyed celebrity into conversation. A respectable mature woman pointing out his humanitarian works. PERFECT. If she had been a teenage girl saying how cool he was in Mars Attacks! he might have been grumpy.
But even more perfect because this provided me with my own conversational opening. I pulled the whole ‘Mooooooooooooooooooooooom! Oh, how embarrassing. I can’t take her ANYWHERE!’
He liked that.
He laughed and the three of us conversed for an entire TWO MINUTES.
So I love him. Even more so because he will be in Mama Mia!
Apparently later when everyone but I went to see a movie, he was there again sitting in the row directly behind them. Maman swears he was looking at her.
So that’s celebrity sighting number one.
Number two was a few years back at the same resort I stayed at last week. Which is the real reason of my post.
This time it was Harrison Ford and the Ally McBeal lady.
Shoot, what’s her name. Oh yeah, Calista Flockhart. But I’ll forever call her the Ally McBeal Lady. Because I never watched Ally McBeal. Mainly because that singer lady who was always in it annoyed the crap out of me.
Anyway, he was lounging by the pool - the same spot where Maman and I lounged by the pool last week - and in a series of VERY systematic moves, we were able to come within feet of them several times. I was so stealth with my whole ‘I’m walking by because I’m looking for someone’ bit.
We also had lunch within 5 feet of them. They were hanging out by the pond. Both in bathing suits (Ally really is that skinny. And Harrison has a bit of a paunch. But we’ll forgive him). He was yapping on the phone. I like to imagine that he was talking to his agent.
I’ll only do the next Indiana Jones if Meryl is in it!
I saw that Ally was heading up the little sidewalk with little Liam in tow.
In another systematic move I timed it so that I was heading up the same little sidewalk as she was.
The exact moment I passed by her.
THE EXACT MOMENT.
She says.
And I’m not making this up.
Liam, do you have a poo-poo coming?
Yes.
THAT was my big celebrity moment.
I told my father the next day and he said:
If I were there, I would have said - ‘no, but I do!’
This and the fact that my mother and I have the same unscrupulous stalking behavior, is why I have the best family ever.